Grace and peace. Welcome back to another episode of Our Classroom. This is the last episode of 2022. Thanks for rocking with me this year. We got a lot of great episodes coming up in 2023 with some wonderful authors and educators but we gon’ wrap this up with a vulnerable moment.
Last week I posted the following message on my social media feeds:
To all the students that I’ve ever harmed, whether I was aware or not, as a classroom teacher, basketball coach and school leader… I repent before you. I apologize for my actions and the way it impacted you. You deserved better.
The sentiment had been on my mind and heart for some time. Then after wrapping up a recent interview with Dr. Kim Parker, author of Literacy is Liberation, we spoke for a bit about the importance of modeling vulnerability. I had a similar conversation the previous week with Dr. Sheldon L. Eakins. I noticed this was a theme for me at this particular moment and the Spirit was tugging at my heart to consider where I might have messed up in my journey as an educator and who I may need to reach out to and attempt to restore relationships with.
Chapter 3 of Literacy is Liberation offers the reader some To-Do’s that were not necessarily new to me but after reading it I felt some conviction. It reads as follows:
Spend some time exploring the principles of restorative justice, especially the guiding questions that include “Who has been harmed?”; “What are their needs?”; “Whose obligations are these?”; and “How do we collectively work to put things right?” (Lyons, n.d.). How might these questions guide your philosophy of being in community with students in a classroom? What are the specific beliefs and practices you hold/ have held that have harmed your students? What actions do you need to rectify that harm? What agreements do you need to make to assure you will do your best to cause no further harm? What will accountability look like for you?
While I had a couple students in mind that I wanted to reach out to, I started thinking about other students that I may have negatively impacted without knowing I did so. Again, my spirit was unsettled.
It’s easy to ignore our own faults and identify those of others, especially in a day and age where so much of what we present to the public is edited and filtered. It reminds me of the Fugees song The Mask where they say, “Yeah everybody where the mask but how long does it last.”
My public apology to students I may have harmed was me taking off my mask and allowing myself the room to be vulnerable. I think my overall impact has been more positive than negative but I do not excuse myself from the moments in which I failed my students. For educators, it's a tough reality to feel like you have not reached some students, and even worse if you may have caused them harm, even if it was not intentional.
As a former basketball coach, I recall screaming at my players and saying things like, “It’s my way or the highway.” I was in the faces of some of my players. Honestly, I am not proud of those moments. This is what I picked up from my previous coaches and it naturally became part of my approach. Yet, at some point it started to sink in that my approach was not truly effective, and it also wasn’t necessary. I could still get my point across without the theatrics. Over time I matured and learned how to be both affirming and firm. It resulted in more enduring, meaningful relationships with the young people under my guidance.
When I reflect on my past experiences, I believe that most days I put forth my best. Although I wish I had better strategies to address the underlying issues and behavior of some of the students that I struggled to reach. Much of what I know and understand now was not taught to me in undergrad or in my graduate program. I didn't realize how much rewiring I needed, the things I internalized, and how this manifested through my own behaviors and the way I approached my students. I think most of my students likely realized how much I cared for them, yet there are probably a handful that did not. That bothers me.
The work of growing as an anti bias anti racist educator starts by looking in the mirror. In our society, we are quick to point the finger and call other people out for their actions. Not that it is not necessary at times. However, we need to first look within ourselves. There is a Biblical scripture in the book of Matthew that states:
1“Do not judge, or you will be judged. 2For with the same judgment you pronounce, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the beam in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while there is still a beam in your own eye? 5You hypocrite! First take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
So here I am. Removing the beam from my eye. I am not an ABAR expert rather an ABAR practitioner that is learning and growing everyday. After posting my public apology I heard from some former students and colleagues that shared how much they respected me and I had impacted them and many others in positive ways. However, I heard from one former student that I did not necessarily expect to hear from. He thanked me for what I shared and said that even though it may not have been directed towards him, he appreciated reading the post and the sentiment behind it. I will not disclose any further information because it is a private matter. Yet, the fact of the matter is that we do not always know how our words and actions impact others.
In Our Classroom we are ending the year on a vulnerable note. Once again, I state with all sincerity:
To all the students that I’ve ever harmed, whether I was aware or not, as a classroom teacher, basketball coach and school leader… I repent before you. I apologize for my actions and the way it impacted you. You deserved better.
I anticipate there will be many more vulnerable moments in 2023. My encouragement to those listening is that you join me in affording yourself the space and grace to be vulnerable with yourself and with others, apologizing when necessary and moving forward in a productive and restorative manner.
